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†Journal # 16 :: Jess wrote a book‡
†Date & Time: 26th of May, 2006; 10:46am‡
†Weather: Typical summer day. It’s so darn boring…‡
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Suilan, Mellonamin!
Ate Beth helped me far more than she ever thought. Ironic though, that I realized my inabilities due our little…argument. It was when we…discussed…what God’s will is, was when it begun…the realization of what happened before, why I am this way today, and more importantly, who I really am. Quite deep eh? Essentially, I realized I can apply what I learned from my Psychology class to my life. I am afraid of people. It’s some kind of a social phobia. That’s aside from my IQ>EQ thing, of course: Read Link. Thanks to Ms. Jessica Zafra, by the way…Her blog’s are on my Links list.
That aside, how did I ended up with such phobia? It’s very simple. Once, when I was a kid, someone (Parents, Cousins, Titas or Titos, I can’t remember) locked me in the bathroom. I was merely 4 to 5 years of age. I don’t know why. I don’t want to know. It was only when I stopped struggling to get out did the bastard open the damn door. It took me quite a while before I can recall it (Why? I’ll explain later), but I’m quite sure it was why I’m a bit too quiet. I shut myself up to the world, because there’s something I want. Something I need. I have to get out of the bathroom, so I stop struggling. I stop and be quiet. My antisocialist tendency was a trauma.
There’s huge chunks of my life that all blurry and dark. I suppose those are suppressed memories. Why are they suppressed, I don’t want to know.
So, how did Ate Beth help me? Simple: She help me realized what I truly believe, the Ttruth, Veritas. Ate Beth told me that there’s more than one way, that you can go astray, that you can choose not to follow God’s Will. I do not believe so. Why? Because there is only one Way, Jesus is always at your side to show you the path, and you cannot go astray – you can only stop. You cannot choose not to follow God’s Will, because whatever you choose, that is God’s Will. How come? Because if that is not so, then my existence, is a void. If the flaming darkfriend did not lock me in the bathroom, then who am I today? I am who I am, because I choose to be myself. And that is God’s Will. I wish I can elaborate more, I wish I can explain what’s in my mind, put the fragments of though into sentences, but I cannot. You have to realize it yourself, or it would be pointless.
PS> Jess wrote “The Subsect”, though only 500 copies were printed. Can’t relate? Watch Gilmore Girls. ^_^
